Trust is a very peculiar thing. Its not like money where you can buy, give or trade it. Its not something you can see in the air or physically. Its more like a feeling that generates action. Much like the wind blows the clouds and Much like trust is love. Love scientifically speaking is a hormone or endorphine released when encountering a certain stimulant. Like cats can be a stimulant or a picture or words. Along with these stimulants you have a certain amount of trust. You trust that your cat will love you in return because you both nurture and nurish it. You trust a picture to create the memory that stimulates certain feelings. You trust that certain people of whom you feel you love to use words carefully and not as a weapon. You trust them to be honest with you.
As much as I knew this was coming I didn't want to accept that it was going to happen eventually. I froze on the thought that mabye there was hope. I blindly put too much faith and trust in someone to believe that there wasn't still a possibility that I could get hurt. I saw a future with someone who couldn't even plan the next 2 hours of their life. I wanted a future with someone who doesn't know how to plan a future nor know what they even really want in life but to get to that party on friday night or to try a certain amount of drugs.
I'm really trying to understand the idea of doing whatever or being spontanious. He was the first person to ever make me feel so free. Mabye that was my mistake. I wanted that feeling to stay forever and in my own selfishness I kept clinging to something that was never real in the first place. I feel like such a fool.
All at the same time I feel wrong for expecting that of someone who has so much to go through still. So much growing up to do. So many feelings to still be hurt till they become the guarded individual societies of today call "grown ups". I let myself get hurt. I let my self be in another balli situation and as much as he would hate to be compared to him its all the same because I wanted something that I couldn't have. Its all the same because he doesn't care about consiquences but rather thrives on living in the moment like the young of today do. Except for me.
I don't even know what to think. Here I thought I found someone whom I could relate yet at the same time helped me to grow as a person. Yet here I am back to square one. Confused, wondering and thinking the same thing as I did before I even met him. I don't even remember what that freedom felt like anymore, the night we first met. I've been trying to hold on to it for so long I forgot what I was holding on to.
I guarded my self so much and made so many logical descisions, that I mistook his feelings of compassion for something like a fairy tale, a dream, a personal "happily ever after". Is it so bad to have wanted something though? To have given my 200% for someone who couldn't give more than a 5%? Mabye I say that out of frustration but either way the point of all this is that I was a fool. I was a fool to believe in someone so much and I was a fool to believe and rely on anyone to take care of me but myself.
I sound so hard hearted I know. This is how it happens, how we forget our innocence and freedom to feel. We become so calus that feelings are eventually just burdens that we teach our selfs to hold in or ignore. Like intuition. My intuition was that he didn't really care about me. He was never proud to bring me around his friends or even call me his girlfriend. Why would he be ashamed of someone he claimed to care about. Short answer is he never cared in the first place.
Simple lesson from this is no one can be trusted to take care of you but your self. How could I have made the same mistake after I've made it so many times before? How do I avoid it again? Safe answer is to stop caring and become cold like most the people these days. Safe answer is to confine myself with myself and never trust anyone again. Its not the easiest answer though. How do I stop caring about someone I thought I loved and still feel that I do love.
At the same time I understand that its not fair to myself to engage in a completely one sided relationship. Its not fair to give my all to someone who could barely spare a second for me but easily gives his time away to strangers that wont mean anything to him when the drugs, money and booze is gone? Suhas if ever you read this.. please don't pretend to want something to make someone happy. Go after what you want and not after what you think you should do. True, if you had gone after what you wanted instead you would have probably not even talked to me again after that cig in the park. Your intentions started with what you wanted but then you did what you thought you should do instead.
I may not have been here without the things we had gone through together and I don't regret any of that. My only regret is I gave you to much of me. If I had let you work for what you wanted you probably would have given up before it got this far. I would have seen that you never had the intention of keeping me in your life. If someone really cares for you they will work for you and go after what they want. Which is why as foolish as I already feel I'm still here, for you, waiting. I'm still secretly hopeing that part of your heart remembers what it felt like to feel for me. As much as I'm 99% sure I'll be let down again. I'm still trying and I havn't given up yet. KMN plz
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