I feel like I've run away. Some what giving up on the life I had. I don't want it to slip away from my mind so easily yet the burden of it all seems so much. At the same time another part of me wants to go running back. To escape from this foreignness and unfamiliarity; This feelling of unsecurity and lingering sence that everyone is watching my every move.
Wait.. this isn't anyway to start a blog. First off, my name is Jasmin. I'm twenty years young and I've recently moved to Prescott, AZ. from Seattle, WA. I guess what I'm getting at with all this, is that I quite recently have started to question my faith. Not just the "is there really a God" kind of faith (I'm pretty certain of that), but more like a questioning in myself. Who am I suppose to be? Where am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be following this almost sick like feeling that I need to keep going, moving, and searching till I find where I'm ment to be? or am I just a young soul yearning to be free? Either way, one thing is for sure: This doesn't feel right.
Not "Preskit" as they call it, but rather life as a whole. Prescott is ok so far, it at least feels better than seattle did. The quiet is nice. Yet, I feel like there is a deep void slowly eating at me. Pushing me deeper into a hopeless depression thats making me second guess my every move and desicion. Like I am ment to be doing something or helping someone or creating a certain moment greater than this.
I know, I went back and read what I just wrote. I sound coo coo for coca puffs! Seriously though, I need to know or at least hope that there is something more than just this. I swear these aren't "delusions of granduer" or schitzophrenia. I don't hear voices or see people. My grammer might not be the best though, but I'm sure thats hardly a mental illness (I hope).
I'm starting to wonder if what I say I want is really what I want in life. I need to figure out what I want. Honestly! How can I expect someone else to know what they want if I dont? I mean, how can I even expect someone to love me and make a decision on if they want or need me in their life if I'm unsure of what I want in life? Does that even make sense?
I know I love certain people. If I really look at the big picture though, thats seriously all that I'm certain of. And even in that certainty there is so much uncertainty that those people even truly love me back. I could make my self sick over this but I wont. I'm starting to look too deep into things. However, I'm still not gonna settle on the idea that this is all there is in life.
Finish school, get a job, get married, have kids, then grow old an stable an mabye encounter grand-babies right before you die? It all sounds so dreary. I mean not that I don't want any of that, but where is the adventure and the amazing memories of full filling or even trying to full fill your dreams? Sad reality of it all is that most people don't go after what they really want. They do what they think is expected of them. I am most definatly not ok with that.
I'm lost I know, its obvious. Mabye I've lost you too already and I havn't even started on the crazy juicy drama in my life that you would love to gobble up like a soap opera of some sort. Its hard to describe. Its like when your a child and your holding on to your mother's or father's (or a important figure in your life who makes you feel safe's) hand. Your in a crowd and suddenly your lost. You just want to hold on to that hand again, to see that familiar face or feel that familiar warmth. You just want to feel hope again, feel safe that you will reach your destination or where you should be safely.
Or mabye that feeling you get when you wake up suddenly from a deep dream and for about 3 seconds you don't know where you are. These thoughts race in your head. You have a slight paniced feeling till suddenly your ok. Its kinda like that except those 3 seconds seems like years. An I've forgotten what that warm feeling feels like.
I wish Suhas was here to hold me. I almost felt that warmth and safetly the other night when he held me in his arms after 4 months of seperation over several states. I didn't want to sleep, I wanted to savor the moment where his gently snore ticked my neck as his body lay spooning mine. The feel of his hand on my hip or him shifting to wrap his arm around my waist. I wonder if he would think I was crazy too if I told him all this.
My mother thinks I need more God in my life. I don't disagree. However, I don't agree with her beliefs. My fathers (biological and step) have pretty much discovered that when your child turns 18 you are no longer obligated to give them advise. My older siblings are off in their own worlds which I've come to except. My brothers still have their innocent worlds where homework and girls and video games are the things they have the deepest thoughts about. I hope they can live in those innocent childhood worlds for as long as possible.
Here I am, in my little Prescott room. A creepy picture of colorful musicians on my right. A window ceil of trinkets from memories passed and ones of I hope for. And an extremely over drawn rambling first blog post with yet another sleepless night of no answers.
No comments:
Post a Comment