Sitting here thinking...

I'm sitting here thinking while we are watching this stupid movie. Why the fuck am I here? Why am I wasting my time with you if you don't really enjoy my company? I know your mouth says differently but your mind could care less. Why do you waste your time on me? Cause your bored? Its something to do? I wish you could just be honest with me.. don't be affraid to hurt me.

 I would respect that you at least had the balls to tell me something straight forward for once. With out taking the time to talk your self out of saying what you really want to. I know instead of saying "we shouldn't have sex anymore" what you really wanted to say was "Lets leave each other alone". Part of me thinks the dream I had of you just walking away in the rain without saying good-bye is just a fragment of the reality of our friendship.

Truth is Suhas, I'm leaving soon. I do care about you I really do... but I'm starting to question myself. Why do I still give a shit? Its usually so easy for me to shove people away but you... why the fuck do I still give a shit? I'm only angry at myself for this. It feels like a weakness and its killing me about it. Someone just rip out this feeling so I can move on with my life. Please and Thank you!

Dear Suhas..

I have so much to say to you I'm not sure where to start. Even if you don't actually read this I hope the best for us both in friendship and life in general even if we drift apart like we have already started to do.

First of I wanted to say, your right. I didn't love you. I loved the idea of you. The feeling of freedom and hope I use to get from being around you. I'm sorry I kept trying to hold on to something that never really existed. Something that like most people in life comes and goes. It was selfish of me.

If you really cared about me how I thought you did you wouldn't have been so ashamed to call me your girlfriend or to tell people you weren't single. It wasn't that I didn't trust the girls I didn't trust you because I knew how you really felt.

I guess I'm a hypocrite myself. I wasn't honest about my feelings and I never told you how I really felt and real relationships arn't built off fantasy but rather trust. I care about you so much and I may never know what love really feels like but I can't help but act on my feelings for you which is why I've been by your side this long and have never given up.

I wonder if there is really anything you have to say to me about all this. I wonder if our friendship will ever be the same. I'm not the kind of girl to let someone see me weak yet thats how you made me feel. Weakness is human, its real, it means freedom of emotions and it was exilerating to know that I was capable of still feeling emotions towards someone.

There is so much I've been thinking about that I'm sure I wont be able to say it all to you. I just want you to know that its ok.

Such a fool..

Trust is a very peculiar thing. Its not like money where you can buy, give or trade it. Its not something you can see in the air or physically. Its more like a feeling that generates action. Much like the wind blows the clouds and Much like trust is love. Love scientifically speaking is a hormone or endorphine released when encountering a certain stimulant. Like cats can be a stimulant or a picture or words. Along with these stimulants you have a certain amount of trust. You trust that your cat will love you in return because you both nurture and nurish it. You trust a picture to create the memory that stimulates certain feelings. You trust that certain people of whom you feel  you love to use words carefully and not as a weapon. You trust them to be honest with you.

As much as I knew this was coming I didn't want to accept that it was going to happen eventually. I froze on the thought that mabye there was hope. I blindly put too much faith and trust in someone to believe that there wasn't still a possibility that I could get hurt. I saw a future with someone who couldn't even plan the next 2 hours of their life. I wanted a future with someone who doesn't know how to plan a future nor know what they even really want in life but to get to that party on friday night or to try a certain amount of drugs.

I'm really trying to understand the idea of doing whatever or being spontanious. He was the first person to ever make me feel so free. Mabye that was my mistake. I wanted that feeling to stay forever and in my own selfishness I kept clinging to something that was never real in the first place. I feel like such a fool.

All at the same time I feel wrong for expecting that of someone who has so much to go through still. So much growing up to do. So many feelings to still be hurt till they become the guarded individual societies of today call "grown ups". I let myself get hurt. I let my self be in another balli situation and as much as he would hate to be compared to him its all the same because I wanted something that I couldn't have. Its all the same because he doesn't care about consiquences but rather thrives on living in the moment like the young of today do. Except for me.

I don't even know what to think. Here I thought I found someone whom I could relate yet at the same time helped me to grow as a person. Yet here I am back to square one. Confused, wondering and thinking the same thing as I did before I even met him. I don't even remember what that freedom felt like anymore, the night we first met. I've been trying to hold on to it for so long I forgot what I was holding on to.

I guarded my self so much and made so many logical descisions, that I mistook his feelings of compassion for something like a fairy tale, a dream, a personal "happily ever after". Is it so bad to have wanted something though? To have given my 200% for someone who couldn't give more than a 5%? Mabye I say that out of frustration but either way the point of all this is that I was a fool. I was a fool to believe in someone so much and I was a fool to believe and rely on anyone to take care of me but myself.

I sound so hard hearted I know. This is how it happens, how we forget our innocence and freedom to feel. We become so calus that feelings are eventually just burdens that we teach our selfs to hold in or ignore. Like intuition. My intuition was that he didn't really care about me. He was never proud to bring me around his friends or even call me his girlfriend. Why would he be ashamed of someone he claimed to care about. Short answer is he never cared in the first place.

Simple lesson from this is no one can be trusted to take care of you but your self. How could I have made the same mistake after I've made it so many times before? How do I avoid it again? Safe answer is to stop caring and become cold like most the people these days. Safe answer is to confine myself with myself and never trust anyone again. Its not the easiest answer though. How do I stop caring about someone I thought I loved and still feel that I do love.

At the same time I understand that its not fair to myself to engage in a completely one sided relationship. Its not fair to give my all to someone who could barely spare a second for me but easily gives his time away to strangers that wont mean anything to him when the drugs, money and booze is gone? Suhas if ever you read this.. please don't pretend to want something to make someone happy. Go after what you want and not after what you think you should do. True, if you had gone after what you wanted instead you would have probably not even talked to me again after that cig in the park. Your intentions started with what you wanted but then you did what you thought you should do instead.

I may not have been here without the things we had gone through together and I don't regret any of that. My only regret is I gave you to much of me. If I had let you work for what you wanted you probably would have given up before it got this far. I would have seen that you never had the intention of keeping me in your life. If someone really cares for you they will work for you and go after what they want. Which is why as foolish as I already feel I'm still here, for you, waiting. I'm still secretly hopeing that part of your heart remembers what it felt like to feel for me. As much as I'm 99% sure I'll be let down again. I'm still trying and I havn't given up yet. KMN plz

Point A: Running Away

I feel like I've run away. Some what giving up on the life I had. I don't want it to slip away from my mind so easily yet the burden of it all seems so much. At the same time another part of me wants to go running back. To escape from this foreignness and unfamiliarity; This feelling of unsecurity and lingering sence that everyone is watching my every move.

Wait.. this isn't anyway to start a blog. First off, my name is Jasmin. I'm twenty years young and I've recently moved to Prescott, AZ. from Seattle, WA. I guess what I'm getting at with all this, is that I quite recently have started to question my faith. Not just the "is there really a God" kind of faith (I'm pretty certain of that), but more like a questioning in myself. Who am I suppose to be? Where am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be following this almost sick like feeling that I need to keep going, moving, and searching till I find where I'm ment to be? or am I just a young soul yearning to be free? Either way, one thing is for sure: This doesn't feel right.

Not "Preskit" as they call it, but rather life as a whole. Prescott is ok so far, it at least feels better than seattle did. The quiet is nice. Yet, I feel like there is a deep void slowly eating at me. Pushing me deeper into a hopeless depression thats making me second guess my every move and desicion. Like I am ment to be doing something or helping someone or creating a certain moment greater than this.

I know, I went back and read what I just wrote. I sound coo coo for coca puffs! Seriously though, I need to know or at least hope that there is something more than just this. I swear these aren't "delusions of granduer" or schitzophrenia. I don't hear voices or see people. My grammer might not be the best though, but I'm sure thats hardly a mental illness (I hope).

I'm starting to wonder if what I say I want is really what I want in life. I need to figure out what I want. Honestly! How can I expect someone else to know what they want if I dont? I mean, how can I even expect someone to love me and make a decision on if they want or need me in their life if I'm unsure of what I want in life? Does that even make sense?

I know I love certain people. If I really look at the big picture though, thats seriously all that I'm certain of. And even in that certainty there is so much uncertainty that those people even truly love me back. I could make my self sick over this but I wont. I'm starting to look too deep into things. However, I'm still not gonna settle on the idea that this is all there is in life.

Finish school, get a job, get married, have kids, then grow old an stable an mabye encounter grand-babies right before you die? It all sounds so dreary. I mean not that I don't want any of that, but where is the adventure and the amazing memories of full filling or even trying to full fill your dreams? Sad reality of it all is that most people don't go after what they really want. They do what they think is expected of them. I am most definatly not ok with that.

I'm lost I know, its obvious. Mabye I've lost you too already and I havn't even started on the crazy juicy drama in my life that you would love to gobble up like a soap opera of some sort. Its hard to describe. Its like when your a child and your holding on to your mother's or father's (or a important figure in your life who makes you feel safe's) hand. Your in a crowd and suddenly your lost. You just want to hold on to that hand again, to see that familiar face or feel that familiar warmth. You just want to feel hope again, feel safe that you will reach your destination or where you should be safely.

Or mabye that feeling you get when you wake up suddenly from a deep dream and for about 3 seconds you don't know where you are. These thoughts race in your head. You have a slight paniced feeling till suddenly your ok. Its kinda like that except those 3 seconds seems like years. An I've forgotten what that warm feeling feels like. 

I wish Suhas was here to hold me. I almost felt that warmth and safetly the other night when he held me in his arms after 4 months of seperation over several states. I didn't want to sleep, I wanted to savor the moment where his gently snore ticked my neck as his body lay spooning mine. The feel of his hand on my hip or him shifting to wrap his arm around my waist. I wonder if he would think I was crazy too if I told him all this.

My mother thinks I need more God in my life. I don't disagree. However, I don't agree with her beliefs. My fathers (biological and step) have pretty much discovered that when your child turns 18 you are no longer obligated to give them advise. My older siblings are off in their own worlds which I've come to except. My brothers still have their innocent worlds where homework and girls and video games are the things they have the deepest thoughts about. I hope they can live in those innocent childhood worlds for as long as possible.

Here I am, in my little Prescott room. A creepy picture of colorful musicians on my right. A window ceil of trinkets from memories passed and ones of I hope for. And an extremely over drawn rambling first blog post with yet another sleepless night of no answers.